Canada is real

Disclaimer: this post is not about Ireland. It is about Canada, which is real.

As some of you may know, I have long contested that Canada does not exist. It took a trip outside North America to prove my deeply rooted belief wrong. In the past weeks, I have had ample time to observe Canadians both in their natural habitat (pine trees) and civilized society. God willing, you’ll never need it, but just in case, here is a guide to surviving a Canadian attack.

Being able to identify Canadians is key to survival

Can you spot the Canadians?

• All Canadians resonate with Avril. Should you encounter an angry Canadian, simply sing to them “I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else, gets me frustrated.” This will lull it into a sense of teenage existential crisis and render it docile for approximately thirty minutes. Back away slowly; ignore the tears.

• Canadians are trained from birth to withstand temperatures up to -40 degrees Celsius. Under no circumstance should you challenge a Canadian to a swimming contest in a frozen lake. As infants, Canadians are extracted from their mothers, immediately fed an ice pop and thrown into a bath of ice water. Instead, distract the Canadian by starting a conversation about hockey, then leave.

• Bears and Canadians are closely related. Canadians may claim to know a lot about bears “because they live in my back yard,” but really they’ve been allies for years. Should you, most unfortunately, find yourself confronted with both a bear and a Canadian at once, offer to take them both to a Tim Hortons coffee shop. If there is no Tim Hortons nearby, spend your last moments treasuring the happy, Canadian-less years you enjoyed.

How well did you do?